If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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