i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
