a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
