Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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