I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
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The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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