Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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