the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
