3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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