i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
