He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
