I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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