My friends, they love my intelligence
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
