Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I faked an abortion last night.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize