Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
