ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
