when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
