We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
