One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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