Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
