So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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