she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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