Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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