it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
