so that wasnt chicken after all
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
