I think my vagina is haunted
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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