Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Rumble strips road head = magical
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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