I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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