peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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