there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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