I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
