No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
