Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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