guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
