I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You left your phone here
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