It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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