After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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