I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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