I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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