yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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