just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
