Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
