This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
