you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
