just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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