I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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