i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
