how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
