Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I know her cup size but not her name....
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