I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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