I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
