I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
