dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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