Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Houston, we have a squirter
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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