i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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