i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
