yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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