The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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